OOPS#16: Still Useful After All These Years

For much of our lives, we define ourselves by the roles we play – parent, protector, organiser, fixer, looker-after. But what happens when age begins to make those roles harder to fulfil? A recent trip to A&E, a family holiday in Croatia and a memory of her mother have all made Sian think about the challenge of laying down old responsibilities, finding new ways to contribute, and holding on to the sense of purpose that makes us feel most like ourselves.

Jack has always been the ‘looker-after’ in our family.

While I sorted out problems at school, ferried the children to endless activities and lent a listening ear when things went wrong, Jack was the one who rescued them from snowdrifts, collected them from late-night concerts and swam around them in the sea to make sure they were safe.

He was strong, capable, endlessly practical, seemed to know everything about everything and was never, ever ill.

Which is why his recent trip to A&E felt so unsettling.

He developed an excruciating pain in the thumb joint of his right hand. Seven hours, numerous tests and five different health professionals later, the verdict was pseudo-gout (who knew?).

The doctors didn’t seem to know a great deal about the condition and there is no specific treatment. Jack came home with a wrist brace, a supply of painkillers and instructions to rest the joint until it settled down. That might be a few days. It might be a few weeks.

So I’ve been acting as chauffeur, trying to distract him from watching the grass grow – lawns are one of his domains – and listening to him brood about the rampant climbing rose that desperately needs pruning.

But the conversation we had while sitting in A&E wasn’t really about pseudo-gout.

It was about getting older.

A few weeks earlier, while we were on holiday in Croatia with the family, Jack had already experienced a moment of realisation. For years he had been the one keeping the children safe while they swam. This time they were quietly trying to keep him safe.

He is still a strong swimmer, but getting in and out of the sea has become more difficult. Laura, Rosie and Ben found reasons to be nearby as he slid off the landing stage or hauled himself back on. They did it beautifully – lovingly and without fuss – but it was also a reminder that he wasn’t quite the same invincible looker-after he once had been.

As we sat in A&E, we found ourselves talking about what happens when we can no longer fulfil the roles that have shaped our lives.

We worry about letting people down.

We worry about moving from being an asset to being a burden.

We worry about the journey from looking after to being looked after.

For now, we still have important jobs to do. Jack will return to his lawns. I’ll prune the rose, keep cooking and make sure the household runs smoothly. We’ll both help with childcare and look forward to loving our new grandson when he arrives in July.

But we also know there will be more physical challenges ahead. And one day some of the roles we gladly carry now will have to be laid down.

That thought brought back memories of my mum.

Towards the end of her life, her dementia was well advanced and her mobility was failing. She still found little jobs to do around the house, but we both knew that outside the family she was increasingly overlooked. People were kind. They looked after her. But they no longer really saw her.

Then a friend at one of the church groups she attended asked whether she would welcome new people arriving at the group.

It was a small role, but it suited her perfectly.

Mum had a wonderful smile and a habit of patting people’s hands that made them feel instantly accepted. After those meetings she came home with the old twinkle in her eye. She felt useful. She felt valued. Most importantly, she felt like Peggy again.

I’ve thought about mum’s experience many times since sitting with Jack in A&E.

Perhaps the challenge for families, friends and communities is not simply to look after older people. It is to help them find new roles that allow them to keep contributing, connecting and feeling needed.

And perhaps the challenge for those of us growing older is to accept, with as much grace as we can muster, that some roles have their season.

The trick is not to stop being useful. It’s to discover new ways of being useful.

And, in doing so, hold on to who we are.